Log In
Mon-Fri 9.30am - 4pm
Find the Best Expert for You on Xpertia
xpertia blog
Parenting Strategies
Praise and support vs scolding and punishment
Do you ever praise or scold your child?
Do you know how it affects them?
Many parents ask: “Is it possible to praise a child all the time? After all, they make mistakes, sometimes behave badly, and if I praise them a lot, won’t they just get big-headed and arrogant?”
For example, depending on their age, they can be glued to electronics, not share nicely, or just want to watch TV forever. And we’re not even talking about doing homework yet or keeping their room tidy!
It often seems to parents that disappointing or ‘bad’ behaviour can only be stopped with the help of negative remarks, reprimands or even blackmail and punishments.
As parents we can often revert to how our parents parented under pressure and if they were critical…
For example, depending on their age, they can be glued to electronics, not share nicely, or just want to watch TV forever. And we’re not even talking about doing homework yet or keeping their room tidy!
It often seems to parents that disappointing or ‘bad’ behaviour can only be stopped with the help of negative remarks, reprimands or even blackmail and punishments.
As parents we can often revert to how our parents parented under pressure and if they were critical…
However, research overwhelmingly shows that if negative moments in a child's behaviour can be dealt with more positively, pointing out their action and encouraging him or her to act in a more positive way, then the child tends to grow and be much more happy.
Let's take a look together at what happens if you treat a child from the position of a critical or forbidding parent, and what results tend to lead from treating a child in a more benevolent, supportive manner.
Consider the example of a young child going to pre-school.
Let's take a look together at what happens if you treat a child from the position of a critical or forbidding parent, and what results tend to lead from treating a child in a more benevolent, supportive manner.
Consider the example of a young child going to pre-school.
Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash
Example 1. The vicious circle
A child is scolded a lot at home, the parents make negative comments regularly and issue punishments: “Did you climb here again? How many times have I told you not to touch my things? OK, no dessert for you today or Go to your room, etc.”
As humans we hear and experience things and then we make a meaning in our brains. The child hears criticisms and receives punishments and will thus make the meaning that he or she is naughty or bad, and the world is a harsh place.
If negativity and criticism is normalised at home : the child will tend to have less self-confidence and lower self-esteem than they otherwise would have.
As humans we hear and experience things and then we make a meaning in our brains. The child hears criticisms and receives punishments and will thus make the meaning that he or she is naughty or bad, and the world is a harsh place.
If negativity and criticism is normalised at home : the child will tend to have less self-confidence and lower self-esteem than they otherwise would have.
The child is being taken to pre-school. Based on their experience of communicating with parents, they fear adults. Hence, they are nervous around the teachers and helpers; fearing asking for help, fearing taking chances in case they make a mistake as surely a punishment or embarrassing criticism will follow.
Under such conditions, a child's brain cannot work well, and they struggle to learn and make friends: a pattern that could be ingrained for life.
A vicious circle of criticism, fear, and low self-esteem is created. Growth is difficult.
Under such conditions, a child's brain cannot work well, and they struggle to learn and make friends: a pattern that could be ingrained for life.
A vicious circle of criticism, fear, and low self-esteem is created. Growth is difficult.
Photo by Terricks Noah on Unsplash
Example 2. Supportive, friendly parenting strategy
The child at home is supported, praised, encouraged:
“Well done for trying. That’s fabulous.”
“Great effort, did you enjoy that?”
“Wow, that looks cool.”
The child hears that they are good, and that adults are happy with him or her, for being themselves and trying. Adults believe in and approve of him or her.
The child feels good, they are cheerful, and have self-confidence and self-assuredness. They know that mistakes are not a big deal and it’s the effort they put in that counts, that other people want to communicate with them and they are likeable and loveable.
The child is taken to pre-school. He knows that other people will be happy with him or her and they will really like them if he or she makes an effort. The child is self-confident, and inquisitive. They are active and full of positive energy. The child listens and tries new things. The teachers are pleased with him or her, praising, and encouraging the child. Other children want to play with the child. The parents receive positive feedback from the teacher, the child is happy.
Everyone is happy and a virtuous circle of warmth, self-confidence, effort and growth is created.
“Well done for trying. That’s fabulous.”
“Great effort, did you enjoy that?”
“Wow, that looks cool.”
The child hears that they are good, and that adults are happy with him or her, for being themselves and trying. Adults believe in and approve of him or her.
The child feels good, they are cheerful, and have self-confidence and self-assuredness. They know that mistakes are not a big deal and it’s the effort they put in that counts, that other people want to communicate with them and they are likeable and loveable.
The child is taken to pre-school. He knows that other people will be happy with him or her and they will really like them if he or she makes an effort. The child is self-confident, and inquisitive. They are active and full of positive energy. The child listens and tries new things. The teachers are pleased with him or her, praising, and encouraging the child. Other children want to play with the child. The parents receive positive feedback from the teacher, the child is happy.
Everyone is happy and a virtuous circle of warmth, self-confidence, effort and growth is created.
While this story is rather exaggerated, it does show the huge benefit of a child growing up in a supportive household versus one growing up in a critical one.
No household is perfect, however, if most interactions are positive and supportive, this will make a huge difference versus most interactions being negative and scolding.
Building self confidence, encouraging effort and seeing failure and mistakes as part of growth are absolutely key to good child development.
These qualities not only help the child with their own mental health and outlook on life; they also help the child to form positive social bonds and create supportive friendship groups across the rest of their life.
Groups that are absolutely key as they become teenagers and grow into adulthood.
No household is perfect, however, if most interactions are positive and supportive, this will make a huge difference versus most interactions being negative and scolding.
Building self confidence, encouraging effort and seeing failure and mistakes as part of growth are absolutely key to good child development.
These qualities not only help the child with their own mental health and outlook on life; they also help the child to form positive social bonds and create supportive friendship groups across the rest of their life.
Groups that are absolutely key as they become teenagers and grow into adulthood.
© All Rights Reserved
support@xpertia.co.uk
support@xpertia.co.uk